Hey everyone, welcome to Tuesday, week 9.

I have little to report on these days. What can I say? I have actually been living life for a bit! Something I haven’t done in about a year now, if not longer.

Slowly, I am starting to become painfully aware how much has happened in the past two years, and how much it has affected me as a person and my view on the world.
Last week, I had a small identity crisis. I still catch my own thoughts being unsatisfied. Things are not going as I want them to go and I feel unhappy in my lack of motivation and “results” to feel like myself.

So I started thinking.. Who am I? What do I like to do? What brings me joy and gives me energy?
And for one of the few times in my life, I could no longer answer the questions… Gaming, which I love, had turned into a way to pass time and unwind, but it did not spark joy… Listening to music fueled me, but it could not improve my mood… I felt like I had lost a part of me, and I did not understand why.

Needless to say, this freaked me out quite a bit… Coming to terms with the fact that you do not know who you are is not a fun process, at least not to me.
So I started asking friends, and followers, of mine what they associated with me. How they would describe me. (without saying why, of course)
And at first, the answers I got were extremely shallow and not very helpful. The answers represented the surface level of me, but nothing more. Even my long term friends did not give satisfying answers.

So I ended up talking to a friend overseas. A woman from Nepal, who I consider a very smart, profound person. We had an incredible conversation about how we can lose ourselves when taking care of others, or worrying about the world. She gave me advise on taking time to listen to my inner voice more, and to let my mind wander again in journaling, or just time truly alone.

On that day, she definitely saved my sanity. I started taking her advice, and now – about a week later – I can start to see how much I have been busy with pleasing others. Not in the “yes, ma’am” way, but the “I will get it done as fast as possible” way. The “I will worry about myself later” way. I could say no, but things that interest me – or were urgent – would still get center stage above my own thoughts and needs. This is fine for a week or two, but I had been doing this for well over a year, if not longer. And that’s where the issue lies. I fundamentally treat myself wrong.

Now, I have voiced a lot of complaints to the people around me, and have distanced myself from problems others face that should not be my problem. Once again, I am seeing significant results in me choosing for more space, and even the harsh “I need you to leave me alone more” is accepted. Sometimes with a bit of frustration, but the end result is me feeling much better.

Today was also a lovely day, for I was finally able to go to my grandmother again! I used to go to her every week before I got the flu. I couldn’t go for over a month due to being sick, but now I can finally fall back on this routine which makes me incredibly happy. South Korea is approaching extremely fast, and my grandma obviously is not the youngest anymore. Being away for 4 months is a big trade off and I want to spend as much time with her before I leave. Which I will be doing in these upcoming weeks!