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Ah, that first cup of the day. The smell, the warmth, the taste.
If you are a fellow coffee lover like I am, you will know what I mean. That first cup of the day hits different.

I am not talking about the caffeine, I personally do not even care that much for it. A can of Monster Energy will hit MUCH better then.
I just absolutely love the experience a good cup of coffee provides. The smell to me is like a warm summer’s day to others.
However, for quite some time I was not able to experience this kind of joy anymore. Due to my stress related issues, even a cup of caffeinated coffee could completely destroy my day. Side note for those who are confused: caffeine can affect your heart rate and can therefore create “stress” if your heart rate gets too high. Which for me meant a cup of coffee will give me a resting heart rate of 130 or higher. Look that up if you need, it is no bueno.
I wanted to try decaf, but feared the smell would still trigger a similar response, so I decided to cut the coffee. A painful decision.

However, these days I have been able to have my one cup in the morning again! Every single day, I now have one cup of coffee when I wake up and I feel like a new woman.

My new approach to how I handle my situation has changed night into day (or day into night, if you are a fellow night-loving night owl like I am).
I am not at peak performance, and get frequent headaches, but I am getting much better at listening to my own triggers and taking breaks when I need them.

On Thursday, I got the reaction of the University of Seoul (study abroad) that I was nominated for their student spot in fall 2022! Extremely exciting and a message I have been waiting for!
However, for this application I need my passport. Something I do not have yet and could not get yet since I have been sick for so long. To add fuel to the flames, a news message was shared that the application process for passports takes much longer due to the extra Ukrainian immigrants entering the country.
I have 30 days to file my application or my spot will not exist anymore! Needless to say, I was freaking out on Thursday evening.

I immediately made an appointment at my local town hall and could go there on Friday! THANK THE UNIVERSE.
However, this brought a whole new level of anxiety and stress to the table. Can I get the passport on time? A trip outside, am I physically fit enough for a bike ride to town hall? I could feel the nausea coming already. Side note: Yes, I am fully aware. She’s a notorious overthinker and stress lady. She knows. I am working on it. 
Why am I giving all these nitty gritty details? Because Friday was a growth day.

That morning, I was stressing the FLUF out. I had to set an alarm clock, the meeting was in the morning. I had to get breakfast in to have energy for the bike ride. I needed to get dolled up because I needed to take a passport photo. And then I had to be fit enough to sit with this lovely town hall employee and go through the whole worry about whether or not I will have my passport on time!

And yes, this is the VERY short version of all the worries that were swimming through my head that morning. “I can not be late”, “I need to have it”, etc.

I was sitting at the dinner table, with a breakfast in front of me, and I was just trying to force myself to eat. It was not going well. And then it dawned on me… What is my biggest worry at this moment? The energy, the photo or the timing?
It was timing. I could not be late. I needed a photo and wanted that meeting.
So I switched gears. I can stare at my food for 30 more minutes, or I can get a worry out of the way. So I got up and started getting ready. Makeup, clothes, etc. And I felt much better afterwards. I could choose to still eat, or do some deep breathing before leaving. I chose the latter.

Everything else that morning went rather smoothly. I left extra early and could take my time on the bike ride. Got my photo done and had time to spare and wait for my appointment.
The employee ensured me that in my home town waiting times were just like normal and that I would have my passport by the latest on April 22nd (more than a week until the application ending, which is perfectly fine for me) and I could breathe again.

Now, do not get me wrong, the meeting did a number on me. I had cancelled all social interaction until now, so this was a “big step” in the burnout process. Yet, it was extremely validating and strengthening to get through the morning without actually getting sick!

Even more so, afterwards I was still able follow multiple online courses and do some reading.
Next blog I will give an overview of how far I am!
Do not forget to enjoy your next cup of coffee a little extra for me, okay? 😜


  • Yimeng Yang says:

    Exactly! I strongly agree with your first sentance, while I’m holding my first cup of coffee in my hand RN, everything hits differently. However, I always need to go to the gym after my first coffee, otherwise, I will be feeling lifeless for the whole day. Is there anyone else who has the same feeling? But anyway, it’s good to see you become happier from the illness, and I’m looking forward to see your overview next week.

  • I love coffee as well as you know (biggest fans of Mams)but not for the caffeine in it. Just the amazing warm smell and the combination with milk just make my day. And I know what a coffee lover you are and probably it was hard for you. I am happy that again you can start your day with your favorite drink.
    Congratulations on being accepted to the University of Seoul! I know that I was not your first choice but second best also works. Congratulations on the ”big step” that u managed to take and collect yourself to be able to get the photo done. I guess the luck was on your side that you could still get your passport on time and achieve your dream.

  • Sebastiaan says:

    Congrats on getting into Seoul. Coffee is nice, but indeed it can have a nasty side effect, dont make your body depended on caffeine. Looking forward to reading your other blogs.

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