Tuesday, week 4 of this journey. Today’s blog marks the last week of my (planned) research period!
After this week, projects are planned and implementation should start to show. Yet, I do not feel the least bit prepared. Due to my slow start, I feel like I am at least two weeks behind on where I hoped to be at this point. The Skillshare classes are helping a lot, though! I am extremely happy that I chose this path, as it at least gives me purpose.

However, I still do not feel great on this Tuesday. So much so that I started to spiral again and just lost myself in my own negative mental state.
I ended up having quite the valuable conversation with my dad about my current mental and physical state. Healthy questions like “What is truly bothering you right now?” “What did you wish to have achieved?” “What is truly going on?”.
Of course, being sick is being sick, but I was already struggling with quite the list of mental and physical issues before this individual project started. Most of it boiled down to me being unable to eat anything when under any type of “stress”.

So, we went over the list… Is it my new company? I founded it last year, it could have effect… But no, I have a lot of free time with my clients and they are not very demanding in any way. I have a lot of leverage and freedom in those conversations. Is it the study? No.. I love what this study represents and I get a lot of pride for my work.
We narrowed it down to one main issue: I am extremely tired which makes me look at every single thing in a very cynical and obstacle based perspective. Another demanding task on the list, instead of a fun challenge to overcome and grow with.

This new mindset is very far from who I am. I am a very go-lucky, happy, bubbly personality by nature. I am very optimistic and love a challenge. I love growth.
So why not now? We came to the conclusion that my almost-burnout has been a full blown burnout for months. Why? Because the introvert tried too hard to act like an extravert.
I hang out with a lot of extraverted people, I consider them good friends. However, sometimes I misinterpret their just talking for genuine “are you okay’s?”. Or simply put, I force myself to make small talk with people, and get caught up in the social side while it takes my energy away and fuels them. I literally get drained by the interest of others. I lose myself in it.

So. How to go from here?

Well… I am adjusting my sails. I am going back to my own roots and start thinking about what makes me unique, instead of trying to hold myself against those around me. I caught myself a few times these past weeks saying “If they can do it, why can’t I?!” and it is time to change that negativity into “What is it that I can do what they cannot?”. I think I will like that attitude a whole lot more.

Some other things are going to change starting right now.
1. I am going on a walk. It is raining, the streets are deserted. I love rain and I love silence. The world will say I am crazy, but I love myself a good walk in the rain!
2. I will be less socially active. Both on social media and in (whatsapp) chats. It is my job to maintain social media accounts (which I love!) but that does not mean it has to be all day every day.
3. If I feel tired or overwhelmed, I am taking a social pause. I will literally say that I am mentally not available for the day and will not be reached for social interaction. Obviously, business calls and messages would be answered.

I am adjusting my sails to (excuse the language) a bitch is burned out mode, and will treat it with the respect it deserves.

I can feel a change in the winds… Can you?