Thursday, week 3.
So! How have things been going?
Honestly? Pretty terrible. On Tuesday, I was still holding on to the thought that maybe…. Just maybe… Me having Covid would not be too bad. I mean: I have been fully vaccinated, and boosted. I already went to three weeks of flu… My body must be fully pepped up on antibodies right about now… Right?
Well, that was the thought of a fool, clearly.
I have accepted the thought of having to postpone my projects. All the ambitions I had will still exist, even after the period reserved for this project. None is lost, none is forgotten.
However, never in my life have I had to deal with such an extended period of brain fog. It seems harmless enough, right? So your brain is not working right now… Who cares? You are sick!
Well, actually… I care quite a bit. My intricate thought patterns make me unique. My vocabulary and proper spelling and grammar make me who I am. Never in my life have I been sick in such a way that I truly dealt with the idea of “this is not me. My brain is working maybe 5% of what I am used to.”.
Especially today, these thoughts hit me very deep.
Today, we had a meeting for the Honours community of the HU International Business. Just a regular check-up!
How are the projects going? Is everyone still up to speed? How is the motivation?
However, this meeting was very different. The silver lining was that there had been almost no progress for any of the projects. Students lacked motivation, or time. Only one or two projects were being worked on in the background. It was not a fun meeting.
At the end, the final slide went into the topic of current affairs. Or more specifically, the situation in Ukraine and what kind of impact it is having on us as students.
We were asked to give three words that we associated with the situation. I took a moment to reflect on how I felt, which I have not done for a while, and there were three words that popped up:
Lost, sad, insecure (future related)
One friend answered that he would fight with a straight back for freedom, and I expected nothing else from him. However, the answer of my other friend shocked both of us… His answer was “I would choose to die on my own terms, I would rather die in my house in my way, than being forced into war. I would not be able to handle that.”
And in our shock, we did realize that he was right. His personality is not that of a fighter, and he is not hardened in seeing unpleasant sights. But in that moment, it hit me like a truck how much we are at the brink of danger. How close we are to possibly losing those dearest to us. Both in mental stability ánd physical presence.
This happened during the honours meeting. I was fighting back tears while trying to explain my point of view. This was also the meeting that truly broke my spirit in my weeks of sickness. After this meeting, I decided to mentally and physically stop fighting for I had pushed myself too far already.
Yet, in this hopelessness, there is one quote that will keep me going by Charlie Mackesy with a boy and a horse walking through a forest:
“Can you see your next step?”
“Just take that.”, said the horse.
For now, that means letting go of expectations, or plannings, or necessities.
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