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Thursday, week 3.

So! How have things been going?
Honestly? Pretty terrible. On Tuesday, I was still holding on to the thought that maybe…. Just maybe… Me having Covid would not be too bad. I mean: I have been fully vaccinated, and boosted. I already went to three weeks of flu… My body must be fully pepped up on antibodies right about now… Right?

Well, that was the thought of a fool, clearly.

I have accepted the thought of having to postpone my projects. All the ambitions I had will still exist, even after the period reserved for this project. None is lost, none is forgotten.
However, never in my life have I had to deal with such an extended period of brain fog. It seems harmless enough, right? So your brain is not working right now… Who cares? You are sick!
Well, actually… I care quite a bit. My intricate thought patterns make me unique. My vocabulary and proper spelling and grammar make me who I am. Never in my life have I been sick in such a way that I truly dealt with the idea of “this is not me. My brain is working maybe 5% of what I am used to.”.

Especially today, these thoughts hit me very deep.
Today, we had a meeting for the Honours community of the HU International Business. Just a regular check-up!
How are the projects going? Is everyone still up to speed? How is the motivation?

However, this meeting was very different. The silver lining was that there had been almost no progress for any of the projects. Students lacked motivation, or time. Only one or two projects were being worked on in the background. It was not a fun meeting.

At the end, the final slide went into the topic of current affairs. Or more specifically, the situation in Ukraine and what kind of impact it is having on us as students.
We were asked to give three words that we associated with the situation. I took a moment to reflect on how I felt, which I have not done for a while, and there were three words that popped up:
Lost, sad, insecure (future related)

I have been volunteering with these refugees, but not for a second did I reflect on what it does to me. These children look like your average kid, all right… Until you notice their lack of motivation. To then talk to the teacher after class and hear her plea “How am I supposed to motivate and excite these children, when their parents are at home listening and crying at every news update they get??”.
All I can ask myself is indeed… How?
Not too long ago, I had an incredibly hurtful and confronting conversation with two of my best friends. The question came up: “What if we are being forced into obligatory military service?
One friend answered that he would fight with a straight back for freedom, and I expected nothing else from him. However, the answer of my other friend shocked both of us… His answer was “I would choose to die on my own terms, I would rather die in my house in my way, than being forced into war. I would not be able to handle that.”
And in our shock, we did realize that he was right. His personality is not that of a fighter, and he is not hardened in seeing unpleasant sights. But in that moment, it hit me like a truck how much we are at the brink of danger. How close we are to possibly losing those dearest to us. Both in mental stability ánd physical presence.
And yet, I had not taken a second to “grieve” this realization.
This happened during the honours meeting. I was fighting back tears while trying to explain my point of view. This was also the meeting that truly broke my spirit in my weeks of sickness. After this meeting, I decided to mentally and physically stop fighting for I had pushed myself too far already.

Yet, in this hopelessness, there is one quote that will keep me going by Charlie Mackesy with a boy and a horse walking through a forest:

“I can’t see a way through”, said the boy.
“Can you see your next step?”
“Just take that.”, said the horse.
And so I will keep taking a next step until I can see my way through again.
For now, that means letting go of expectations, or plannings, or necessities.

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  • Stela Stoycheva says:

    Hey, I guess the war has effected us in every way: financially, emotional and etc.. For every person is diffrent and how they cope with everything happening around the world. And we are all trying to help in a way that we can .Sadly, after 2 years of isolation with Covid ,we entered an even scarier times WAR. Who would imagine that!?
    I am really happy that even that you haven’t felt your best you are still trying to help the unfortunate Ukrainian people. Only if there we more people that would do that maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation of scarry days. Don’t give up ,but take the rest that you need please !

  • Yimeng Yang says:

    Feel sad when I read this blog, but I can still feel your energy and your enthusiasm through your words. I hope you could recover soon, and to be honest with you, when I read your blogs, it gives me a feeling that I’m reading a dialogue, or watching a short clip, it was really vivid. LOL but anyway, I was struggling with my individual project as well, but I believe that ‘It is the first step that costs troublesome.’. We will all make it through and I hope I could see you recover soon!

  • Sebastiaan says:

    Pushing forward eventhough that everything works against you and helping those around you. If you ever going to bitch about not being a good person I swear im slapping you across your face. We need more people like you.

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